11 Of The Worst Sex Tips Cosmo Has Shared Over The Years

AUTHOR

February 21, 2014 9:39am PST

Cosmopolitan magazine is known for a lot of things—mainly for being the woman’s bible—has offered women a lot of useful, and potentially marriage saving, tips in the past.  However, they have often been responsible for the introduction of odd practices—and sometime foreign tools—into the bedroom.

Although it seems they have the best intentions, sometime you have to wonder where they come up with some of the things they write.  Are these women literally running out of things to write and stretching for anything plausible, or are they the freakiest people you could possibly meet in the bedroom?

(See also: VIDEO: Outrage After Police Use “Super Sexy” Lingerie Models In CPR Training Course)

Either way, the results have been hilarious, and even creepy, at times—just take a look at these 11 sex tips the highly esteemed magazine has posted over the years.

11. Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.

This in no way could be a fun clean up afterwards.  If you do happen to try this, make sure you set out a little time to wash the sheets and take a shower.

10. Use “your electric toothbrush” or “your iPhone [when your vibrator is out of batteries].”

NO . . .just no.  If you use either, please feel free to permanently discard whichever you use.

9. Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, “Wanna hear me do this tonight?”

If you are feeling exceptionally frisky and decide to actually do this, PLEASE put in a disclaimer to either put in headphones or go to a location where it will not be heard by anyone else.

8. Keep a paddlebrush, a soft scarf, and a baseball (yes, a baseball) on your bedside table. While he’s on top, alternate between scratching his back and butt with the bristles of the brush, stroking him with the scarf, and rolling the baseball over his skin.

Nothing says sexy like rubbing a baseball all over your loved ones body!

7.  Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.

You can just imagine the awkwardness in the room as she paints his body.

6. Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.

“Wait babe, don’t go yet! Let me grab the pepper!”  Besides who wants to get plastered with face full of pepper anyways?

5. Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him. It will make him burn with pleasure.

It is unclear what you are supposed to do once the sock is on, but it hardly seems seductive to bring dirty socks into the bedroom.

4. Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.

Just don’t press too hard, nothing says turn off like a punctured femoral artery!

3. Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.

Who doesn’t like smelling like an alcoholic hobo after sex?

2. Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster. Then use the baster to draw shapes, spell out naughty words, or create trails on his body — from his neck, over his arms, then down his back, butt, and legs.

As Taylor Bigler of The Daily Caller writes, “If someone ever brought a turkey baster into the bedroom, the other party would run screaming.”

1. When fondling his manhood, slip a hair scrunchy around the base of it. The tight scrunchy combined with your touch creates an amazing sensation.

Gives new meaning to the phrase “blue balls” doesn’t it?

(See also: Tell-All Twitter Feed Exposes High School Student’s Promiscuity, Sex With Teachers And Drug Use)

Let us know what you your thoughts are on this horrible sex advice in a comment below!

comments

You must login in order to leave a comment.